that moment I'm estranged from home
The moment I’m estranged from home is when I learn English. In primary school, I was confused. What’s the point in learning another language? Why is grammar so difficult? Why does fluency in this language feel too superior to reach? And why is English special? Just a kid lamenting the thought of difficult language but despite that, I tried. Brute force as much as I could. Not until I reached 15 that I seriously found the light of learning English, which was through Japanese media. Fansubs were enormous back in the day. It was hard to find a translation to my native language. At that time I accepted that this language became a bridge to my true love, Japanese media. That was the point of my learning, to watch the glorious 2D animations.
The moment I’m estranged from home is the moment I take reading seriously. I scoured through forums and fansites, read news and tweets about my favourite show and slowly it was ingrained into me. Reading has always been the bridge that I never burn. I started reading translated Japanese literature from Haruki Murakami, Keigo Higashino and Fuminori Nakamura. I read through my lists, one by one, until I have enough interest to try English literature. I read 1984 despite the difficulty in understanding old-style prose. I read Heart of Darkness because my favourite character mentioned it. I read Fahrenheit 451 because of the historical context.
I read out of curiosity and now I dream in English.
Language is an intimate relationship that is born and dies with us. I’m indulged, carnally, to the beauty of prose, the eloquent sentences, the bend and break of grammar rules. No one can touch my soul more than beautiful writings, in contrast with efficient and concise writings. I have known loneliness, in knowing that I can’t express myself natively. Like my eyes are on the verge of tearing up every time I talk about feeling. It feels safer to talk about it in a distance of foreign language. Through foreign media I learn to express my emotions. Through this extroverted language, I yearn to be heard. I have known loneliness but sometimes, I’m happier to feel estranged from home.
from substack,
reesa